vignette memoir

i wrote this last year for one of my teaching classes, and just got it back today. i think that this is one of my favorite pieces i've written.

The Place Mom Calls “Home”: Pacific Care Center

I remember…

Being right across the street from that small Baptist church, tarnished and tattered, but the Lord’s house nonetheless. Cheesy block-lettered quotes hung on the welcome sign, the only thing to force a smile on my face.

Walking, hesitantly, step by heavy step, up the smoke filled walkway leading to the patio, where all the nurses would be sucking that cancer into their lungs, addicted to a drug that they couldn’t really see. And content with that.

Being greeted by Pat, who would smile at us, but we didn’t know this stranger who was trying so hard to be friendly, to welcome us into foreign territory, a land whose customs we didn’t know and didn’t care to ever know.

Entering and saying hi to the receptionist, and seeing yourself in the huge mirror, with that scared look in your eyes. The young innocence, the fresh face compared to the elderly, hallowed looks that bore into you from all around.

The meals at the table that had to be tall enough for wheelchairs to fit under it. Sitting in those high, dirty, straightbacked chairs, watching food flying in all directions as if a 4 year old was eating. The floor had to be mopped every 5 minutes it seemed, the creamed corn splattered everywhere and crumbs sticking to it.

The pregnant teenager with the greasy, stringy hair covering her face serving meals in the kitchen, with the baggy, plastic gloves hanging like a sheet over her hands.

Waiting for Mom to just finish up so we could go into her room and get away from the noise and the smells and just talk there. Talk about how life had changed, how this was a new part of acceptance, and hear the complaints that ravaged my ears.

The allotted smoke time every two hours during daylight that couldn’t be missed OR ELSE, and the waiting around for life to return again.

The physical therapy room, where Mom’s stiff legs would be bent in ways that they could never do themselves, without the help of a trained professional moving them and massaging and managing the wrecked muscles that tensed permanently inside the skin.

Margaret, the lady that always wanted you to snap the device that hooked her to her walking “companion,” which really just looked like piping held together for support, just like she asks everyone who walks by her, with those drooping, pleading, fearful eyes, even though the nurses say you can’t; she’s connected for a reason; she would break a hip in her fragile state.

The universal remote that Mom kept in her wheelchair bag, giving her powerful control over the lobby and dining room TV so she could watch whatever she wanted whenever she wanted to. Those Cardinals games and court TV shows that couldn’t be skipped because they proved there was life outside of these walls.

The roommates that yell in the night, two to a room, never any privacy, the door always open. Carrie who never knew where she was, clutching that stuffed bear as if it were her child, asking for her husband every five minutes, completely taken over by that mind disease that sucks your memory into a vacuum, never to be returned or cherished again.

The service that wouldn’t show up, forced to work low-paid jobs just to feed their children because the father had left. But who really wants this job? It’s hard work to find skilled nurses and personal assistants who like their job, who don’t walk in those doors with a sour look already in their eyes and a vain conceit hardly concealed by every action in their day.

And the bedtime, ten o’clock every night, right after the smoke time. Mom’s placed into her bed, awaiting the shower that came in the morning (that’s if it even came), waking to a shuffling of feet outside her door by those few who could slowly walk on their own.

And then we walked out, punched in the code in the steel double doors so we could escape, out to fresh air and trees and a parking lot full of cars that had the freedom to leave any time they wanted to—just like we did. And we had to leave her there, to fend for herself because we couldn’t take her with us.

top 10 reasons i love fall

in honor of today being the first day of fall (and the fact that i love it so much!) here are the top 10 reasons i love fall:

1. the leaves start to crunch under your shoes! i go out of my way to step on a particularly crunchy leaf.
2. the harvest moon. mm.
3. perfect temperature. long sleeves and shorts for a jog is a must. just perfect.
4. watching the leaves fall. especially when you are sitting in kaldi's at the window seats, drinking hot tea or coffee, reading a good book while gazing out the window every now and then.
5. football. sometimes i go to the games on a saturday, and sometimes i like to do number 4, because no one is around and i can have kaldi's all to myself and my thoughts.
6. driving with the windows down, music turned up. i know you can do this in the summer too, but it is just particularly pleasant in the fall.
7. fall wreaths on front doors. yep.
8. halloween! this means carved pumpkins on front door steps, little (and big) kids in costumes, and really funny jokes (especially when they are about a turkey told by my brother).
9. playing in the backyard. you know that winter is coming, so you must make an effort to play outside during any and all free time--it won't last long!
10. christmas music! fall is a sign of winter. therefore, christmas music is acceptable. (but i did start listening to it about 2 weeks and 3 days ago. oops)

The Fall and Its Effects on our Relationships (2)

So if we know what relationships are supposed to be like (see post one), how they are designed by God for Creation, then why are they so hard? I think the answer is found in Genesis 3, where we encounter how sin is brought into the marriage relationship. The hearts of Adam and Eve were turned away from God when they sinned against him, and Satan’s goal was realized. After Eve was deceived and ate of the forbidden tree, Adam was faced with a dilemma, and he must make a choice that is only possible when living in a world where sin has entered. “He must, he thinks, either obey God and lose his beloved Eve or enter with her into rebellion and lose his own standing before God. The choice was between the gift and the Giver, between Even and the blessed Creator.” Adam ate the fruit, and the choice was irrevocably made.

I don’t think Adam was right, though. We don’t have to choose between the gift and the Giver. Instead of turning in faith to God to help him, Adam turned away from him and that’s why he fell into sin. “He gave Eve the place in his life reserved for God alone. He made her the ultimate object of his worship… Eve was not designed to do this. She was made to be a suitable helper for him, not a goddess.” They listened to a lie; despite what Satan tempted them with—-that they would be like God—-they found that only God can be the source for blessing in our lives. His love is given to us with the intent that we enjoy it, but their rebellion ruined what was once good.

More effects of sin:

1. Alienation: The man and the woman could no longer be in a right fellowship with God, and could therefore no longer enjoy the intimate fellowship and love they previously had with each other—-no longer were they pure and innocent. Genesis 3:7 says, “Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked. And they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loin cloths.” “Gone were the days of open disclosure; Adam and Eve now had something to hide, something to cover up, something wrong at the core of their beings.”

2. Fear: God enters the scene, Genesis 3:8-9: “And they heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God among the trees of the garden. But the Lord God called to the man and said to him, “Where are you?”’ Adam states that he was afraid, and then he hid himself from the Lord. The presence of the holy God was a threat to him, when in a right relationship with God, His presence should be loving and Fatherly.

3. Self-centered concern for oneself instead of commitment to another. Adam is the first blame-shifter in a “long, long line of men to put down his wife for his own sin.” He points fingers both at Eve and at God. When questioned by God about his sin, Adam replies, “The woman whom you gave to be with me, she gave me fruit of the tree, and I ate” (Gen. 3:11-12). Adam is desperate to remove his guilt from himself. And when God demands an answer from Eve, she too does not respond completely truthfully: “The serpent deceived me, and I ate” (Gen. 3:13).

How often we blame others-—and even circumstances-—for our sin. Instead of owning up to our own hardness of heart, we try to push God’s wrath onto other things. I think if we really saw our sin for what it was, and openly admitted to it, relationships would be so much easier. We wouldn’t be trying to cover ourselves up and hiding all the ways in which we sin. “Sin corrupts intimacy with shame and offers secrecy in its place. It twists commitment into selfishness, intimacy into secrecy and shame, and interdependence into conflict.”


Next: The curses God put individually on all men and women, and what that means for today.

a good season with God and his Word

George Muller commented regarding his reading of the Bible: "I look upon it as a lost day when I have not had a good time over the Word of God. Friends often say, 'I have so much to do, so many people to see, I cannot find time for Scripture study.' Perhaps there are not many who more to do than I. For more than half a century I have never known one day when I had not more business than I could get through. For four years I have had annually about thirty thousand letters, and most of these have passed through my own hands. Then, as pastor of a church of twelve hundred believers, great has been my care. Besides, I have had charge of five immense orphanages; also, at my published depot, the printing and circulating of millions of tracts, books, and Bibles; but I have always made it a rule never to begin work until I have had a good season with God and His Word. The blessing I have received has been wonderful."

HT: john currid.

awkward questions.

i read these two blog posts (one and two) today about godly friends and tough questions we need to be asking each other.. here's some excerpts:

"Hebrews 3:13 says, ” But exhort one another every day, as long as it is called “today,” that none of you may be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin.” Godly friends exhort one another to pursue godliness. They ask tough, awkward, probing questions that dig deep into the heart and expose sinful desires. Truly godly friends aren’t afraid to get down and dirty.

Why do godly friends exhort each other? Why do my godly friends ask me tough questions about my struggles with sin? Because they care for me, and they don’t want me to be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin.

Sin is deceitful, and many times we fail to see our sin accurately. For example, I recently confessed to the guys in my small group that I had been struggling with worry. Thanks to their insightful, and awkward questions, they were able to help me see that my sin went deeper than just worry. I was failing to trust God, and I was being self-sufficient. Their exhortation helped me to see my sin as it truly was. Godly friends help each other see their sin accurately by asking tough questions."

my prayer lately has been to have the courage to be vulnerable, and to expose my sins, because ultimately i know this is the best thing for me--and one of the ways the Lord's goodness blesses me over and over again. i see myself so easily hardened by my sin, and i want to fight that. i want to be faithfully pursuing the Lord, and i want to be pointing my friends towards the Lord. check out the original posts for some good starter questions.



[p.s. the next men and women post is coming soon, i promise! still in draft stages.]

God's Design for Men and Women (1)

Earlier this afternoon, I finished reading a book that was filled with lots of great, biblical wisdom—all about God’s original design for men and women, what happened to that design because of the Fall, and how relationships between the two can be redeemed because of Christ. And all of this was eventually tied to implications for the big ‘D’ word that no one likes to actually read about – dating.

So that’s what this upcoming blog series will be about. Let’s start with God’s design in Creation….

Basically, God created everything—and He said it was good… until you keep reading to Genesis 2:18, when God suddenly says that everything was not good. God is talking about a man without a woman, so He provides a woman for the well-being of the man. A woman is formed out of Adam’s rib (Gen. 2:21-23)… and the first relationship between a man and a woman began. God’s purpose in creation envisioned a relationship (practically: marriage). Without this, life is not good for the man.

The woman was not merely the same flesh and bone for Adam, and she was not merely different from Adam in the sense that we realize daily, but she was “suitable” for him, a “helper fit for him.” They fit together like a jigsaw puzzle, evidenced in Genesis 2’s comparison between the animals and birds (created from nothing) and the woman whom God made from Adam’s own flesh.

If we focus on that word helper, it’s easy to see how in our fallen world it can have connotations of something weak and devalued. But if we see what the word looks like biblically, even God was called a helper. He was the helper of Israel; he is called a helper when he feeds a prophet, a widow, and her son; and look at Psalm 121: “I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth.” A woman is not superfluous, but “essential to Adam’s condition and to God’s purpose in the world. Helper is a position of dignity given to the woman by God himself.”

Matthew Henry puts it this way: “The woman was made of a rib out of the side of Adam; not made out of his head to rule over him, nor out of his feet to be trampled upon by him, but out of his side to be equal with him, under his arm to be protected, and near his heart to be beloved. Adam lost a rib…but in lieu thereof he had a helpmeet for him, which abundantly made up his loss.”

“A woman was given to man not for his whims but for his character. She elevates a man in true masculinity. In a perfect paradise not touched by sin, God’s people delighted in his design. Helper was not a position for Eve to fight, but a function for her to fulfill. It is God’s design, bearing his fingerprints for his glory and our good, a design we tamper with at our own peril. As the man delighted in the woman, so also she delighted in her calling and fully embraced it. That is why she is called his “glory” (1 Cor. 11:7). She brings beauty into the world for him. She ministers to him in light of the struggles and trials of his life. She stands beside him. She makes demands on him that God intends for him to fulfill.” And only after she was made from the man and given to Adam could the Bible finally say, "God saw all that he had made, and it was very good" (Gen. 1:31).

And what about the guy? What was he created for? Adam was granted lordship in the Garden, under God’s ultimate sovereignty. This wasn’t emphasizing a privilege, though; it was a lordship of obligation. Male leadership in the home and in the church is also talked about in the New Testament, looking back on the events in the Garden (see 1 Cor. 11:3 and 1 Tim. 2:12-14).

Genesis 2:15 says that “the Lord God took the man and put him in the garden of Eden to work it and keep it.” These two key verbs in the Hebrew refer to Adam’s lordship to take the form of nurture and protection—not stoic and unfeeling. He was called to a servant-lordship, while Eve was the servant-helper—complementary ministry according to God’s design. The result of God’s design was perfect companionship.

But we have to remember that this is not a man and woman’s only relationship and often not their only ministry. Most significant is their own relationship to God and the calling to serve him with their gifts and talents. Without this right relationship to God, there is no hope for a right relationship between a man and a woman in God’s design.

Next post: the Fall and its effects on our relationships.

i love the olympics!

the US men dominated in the swimming relay yesterday; this is easily my favorite moment of the olympics thus far.

here's the story:

BEIJING -- The U.S. men's 4x100m free relay team won gold Monday in the most exciting, most record-breaking, most amazing, thrilling, unbelievable relay anyone could ever imagine, evidence of exactly what Jason Lezak, who swam the greatest anchor leg in relay history, had to say when it was all over:

"People always step up and do things out of the ordinary at the Olympics."

This was even so much more. Extraordinary in every regard.

check out the complete story here.

if you missed it, watch the video!