life update.

from an e-mail i wrote to a friend:

"i am good - i am currently sitting on the king size bed that has recently inhabited my old room in st. louis, taking a break from reading gone with the wind, and listening to rain drops pelt my window. it is glorious. i've been on a much needed retreat home since saturday night and it has been so restful! some castlewood time, some Y time, some family time, and lots of reading.

this past semester was really tough, hopefully the toughest one i will ever have school-wise, but looking back on it, i've learned so much about myself that it's incredible. first, i changed my major this semester, from english education to just english. my heart just wasn't in it anymore and i should have realized it a while ago.
...
i've been shown my sin to an infinite degree this semester, and i've been shown just how much i rely on myself instead of trusting in the Lord and his promises, which has really been a huge blessing. it's true: one of the greatest acts of love that the Lord can do for us is to show us our sin and to make it blatantly clear, and it is always for the best. i fall short in loving people and loving them the way they need to be loved, how they are best loved; i fall short in spending my time sacrificially, much less even desiring to do that; i continually blame others and other things for my sin, whether it's "oh, that's just how my personality is" or "i don't have the time, money, resources, mindset, etc." i love with conditions, not unconditionally, and i've lost sight of the importance of Scripture in my life. i've forgotten that i myself am loved unconditionally, in the image of God, a glorious ruin but glorious nonetheless.

but i'm being rebuilt and continually being reminded of how great my Creator is. remember that book authentic beauty (this makes me think of it--not that i want to date jesus--ha.)? well all cheesiness aside, i truly am his beloved and i can rest in that. i'm somehow becoming more aware of the sin that has blinded me for the past couple months and i'm realizing how hard my heart has become. and it sucks. it makes me want to just say ok that's it, i give up, i'm retreating to where i am content and comfortable, but i can no longer do that without a pull on my heart. and for that i am so grateful.

other things new (and for sure lighter):

i'm staying in columbia again this summer and interning for veritas, the crossing's college ministry. i'll be leading a summer girls bible study and i guess doing some of the event planing. not too sure what else. i'm excited about the people who will be here, old friends and new, and i'm excited to spend another summer in columbia--a city that is becoming my home. i'm also nannying for a family with two older girls part-time (aka i'm swimming, cooking, and going on hikes--and getting paid for it!).

some of my friends and i formed a co-ed softball team in a wednesday night league, which has been a huge highlight. we're 4-1 right now and it is a BLAST! so good to be back on the field and getting dirty again! i forgot how much i missed softball.

i also started watching LOST with a couple people. we just finished season one, and it is incredible, let me tell you. i hope that you watch it, but if you don't, you may want to think about starting :)"